I thought, as close as I was last week, that this would be the day that all my dreams would be realized; that I would be able to walk down the street with my head held high, knowing that I had made the 17-year old version of me look foolish and weak; well, more foolish and weak than I actually was. I thought that, after today, I would be able to relax and coast through my 30th birthday having proven myself more physically fit and mentally tough than I was over a decade ago; that I could enter my 30’s knowing that I had reversed the aging process and that those silly theories of “time” and “nature” simply didn’t apply to me. I was mistaken… at least for now.
My frustration is diluted only slightly by the fact that I still have ample time in which to accomplish this feat. But only slightly, because, truth be told, I am not a patient man. In fact, I’ve already considered hiring a stunt double on several occasions, and in fact, I probably would have done so by now, however, I’ve found that it is much more difficult to locate a man my height and build who can not only dunk a basketball, but who also has the testosterone levels necessary to grow a massive, face-swallowing beard the likes of which I am currently rocking.
So I suppose it’s up to me. God knows none of you are going to do it. If something incredible and mind-blowing is to be done, I suppose I’m the one to do it. That’s all there is to it. So, please, sit back down in your Lazy Boy recliner. Stick your hand back down into that bucket of The Colonel’s Extra Tasty Crispy and wash it down with your 44oz Cherry Coke Slushie. Go outside and enjoy your pack of Marlboros Reds, and take a load off. Leave breaking the laws of physics and gravity to me. I’m on it. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll see you next week.

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So it seems that a week off of workouts was exactly what I needed. I got in some yoga, a couple massages, had Wendy’s for dinner last night… and I’m feeling like a hundred dollars.

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So it appears that, despite all prior evidence to the contrary, I am not the super-human that you were all surely beginning to believe me to be. As it turns out, I am a mere mortal, just like the rest of you common folk, subject to all the tedious and trivial laws of nature as everybody else. I think that the video this week proves that I have officially reached the end of Phase One of my training regiment. All the experts say that even the most talented and gifted athletes need a week of rest about every 7-8 weeks of strenuous training, so I’m right on schedule with the big boys. This setback is no one’s fault, really. Well, except mine. Truth be told, on account of the fact that its boring and it hurts and I hate it, I haven’t really been stretching… at all. And now, as probably could’ve been predicted, it’s apparently biting me in the ass. But fear not, kind people, a little tightness in the legs and a sore hip are not going to keep this average athlete down. I am certain that this is nothing that a little relaxation and a few sessions in my short shorts at the yoga studio can’t fix. I’ve already started filling the kiddie pool with Ben Gay, so recovery should be a breeze. So let it be known… I may be taking the week off of training… but this has only strengthened my resolve. When I return, I’m driving straight to Dunksville… Population: Me. See you next week.

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Due to technical difficulties, this latest installment in my Dunk Quest is coming to you a few days late. But nonetheless, here I am, in all my glory, or lack thereof… Hope you enjoy it!!

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To the naked, untrained eye, it may appear as though I have made little-to-no progress in this Dunk Quest.  This week’s dunk attempt looks almost identical to the first, which is to say that after two weeks of grueling training and painful muscle recovery, it appears as though it has all been for naught.  For the sake of my own sanity, I am trusting that this is all part of the gameplan… that my muscles are just fatgued, and while I am actually much stonger and my body is actually capable of much more than it was initially, it is just going to take some time for these developments to manifest themselves in actual physical productivity.  I really have no choice but to come to this conlclusion, because the other option is to believe that this ridiculous workout is worthless, that my precious time and energy have been wasted, and furthermore, since I now am tied to this project and have every person I know including friends and family holding me accountable to the end goal, I have no option but to continue this training.  I hope, at the very least, that my pain and suffering is of some entertainment value to you and your loved ones.  Take care.  I assure you further evidence of my anguish and misfortune is yet to come. Enjoy.

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 Follow my quest in the reader of your choice